WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Ketchup is God's man juice
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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