I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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