Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
