Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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