i jhust puked up my retainher.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
