So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
