I just pynch a tree in the face
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
