We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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