I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
