I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
