i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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