OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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