I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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