If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
