I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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