They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
