so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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