The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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