Michael Bay diarrhea
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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