I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
