I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
