walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
