my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
