Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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