you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
