mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
