my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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