How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
