That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
