Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
