I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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