Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
