i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
