Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
