every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
