he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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