Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
