just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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