i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
