broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
