i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
