I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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