Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
