I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
