look no pants
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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