Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
