I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
