This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
