You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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