so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
