Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
