Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
