we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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