he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
