but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
