What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
