dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
